My Relationship Vortex: Beam me up Scottie

The relationship vortex is where I am living these days. The funny thing is I am not in a relationship with the opposite sex. Every other time I have visited this at times consuming place I have been in a relationship. Maybe you know this place and have been sucked in? You know it's where you are completely consumed by the opposite sex wondering why, how, what, who and when. Generally this is all pertaining to a particular individual. But this time I am alone. ALONE. I look around and there is no companion. No rainbows and butterflies. No skipping to the eternal love soundtrack. There is a part of me that wants to yell "beam me up Scottie" I am done living here. But unfortunately for me I get to examine this vortex instead. God wants me to stay here so this vortex feels more like a sad saga most days. (hear violins playing sullen music).


Let me explain. I am trying to uncover the good, bad and ugly of my relationships. Each of us construct what a relationship with the opposite sex looks like from a young age. It usually looks like something between a cross of a disney princess fairy tale and our parents marriage at about ten. But then life happens and well, we don't stay in that place. Relationships around us fall apart. We experience dating on our own. Some of our expectations change. We change. This is my problem. I experienced dating on my own and it looked more like a fun mirror chamber where I look at the relationship and it is fat on the top skinny on the bottom but then the next mirror is the opposite. Yikes.


There is a part of me that is grieving that I have to walk into essentially premarital sessions alone with nothing but me and my bible. Why did I have to experience the distortion I did? What weird person does premarital stuff alone? (Okay so Jesus is there). But it is not something I anticipated doing. Sometimes I am a cry baby. That part of me is screaming "BEAM ME UP!!!" Part of me is ecstatic because I have like hourly ah ha moments and it can be overwhelming. With that I am curious. God is not letting me sit stagnant with this one.


God, does NOT want me to stay there. He says "Erin, let me show you what relationship really looks like." In order to get there though I have to go through the field and pull out the weeds. I look around and say "AHHHHHHH I have so many weeds in this place!" My reaction is "God you are the God of the universe, you could just drop me in a new garden where there aren't so many weeds." Ha! That isn't going to happen. So the last couple weeks He has been the master gardener. I think it started with being able to recognize the problem of holding on to the shards of that past relationship. I straddled the fence for a while thinking that I could white knuckle it and create change. Ha! (That relationship is/was beyond help of any kind) Anything I am in control of without God never ever goes well. Then He brought in some people that would challenge my perceptions. It begins with girl friends who constantly remind me of Him and then transitions to my mentors/counselors and then ends with a boy.


Gasp!! Yes, I said it. With a BOY. This boy is an interesting boy. (well, he is a man-you know what I mean). This boy is interesting because he challenges all prior understanding of men. Especially christian men. Is he perfect? Far from it. Does he try to appear to be? Nope. Is he growing? Yes. Can he talk about his feelings towards things that have happened in his life? Yup. Is he willing to admit when he doesn't know something? Uh huh. Does he love God? Oh yes. But what intrigues me the most is the way he encourages me. He is not encouraging me in a worldly way, but instead in a Godly way. Sometimes I know that the words or scripture he gives me is God breathed. He reminds me of my intrinsic value. Odd, usually with a man I am experiencing the opposite. Believe me I have been waving my white flag yelling "God don't let a boy challenge my heart." Beam me up Scottie.


So not only is God working on me, He is rooting out some of my big issues. I am letting a guy into my life but in a different way. As a friend. As a person who gets to see the not so great parts of me but has to win my trust like everyone else. Will he disappoint me someday. Yes, he is human. Not superman. Could he walk away? Yes, he could. But that right there is an indication of my growth. I used to worship men and look to them to solve all my problems. Those days are over. I am not looking back to the place of worshiping them. And I also could cling to him to solve all my problems and tell him all the reasons why he needs me or should stay. This time I say: NO WAY. But I also don't treat him with contempt for his past mistakes and issues. That isn't fair. Ladies, we need to be able to realize that the men in our lives struggle just like we do. They have pasts, fears, insecurities, lies and ego's to fight. Good gracious. Can we be gentle and loving as Christ calls us and care for our brothers in Christ without condemning for their mistakes? Believe me, this has been a hard one. But God is working on me. He is not going to let me escape this one.


So life in the vortex looks something like Matthew 13:24-30 ²⁴Jesus told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. ²⁵But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. ²⁶When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

²⁷"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?'

²⁸" 'An enemy did this,' he replied.
"The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?'

²⁹" 'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. ³⁰Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.' "

Walk with me for a second. Yes this is about when Christ returns. But for me it has a little different meaning at this point of my life. A great friend of mine texted me and told me that this is where they feel I am at. Remember the weeds? Well this is why it speaks to my heart. The enemy came into my heart and planted weeds to infest the pieces of my heart and distort my perceptions of relationship. God is bringing in the harvest now. Sorting out the weeds from the wheat and getting ready to burn the lies I carry about past relationships to the ground. Sweet huh??? Yes, this is where my heart is. It is being sorted right now. Harvested.

The best part is I get to do it with amazing women like you :) So for now I will resist the urge to say "Beam me up." Cause who knows, maybe one day it will help you!

A 21st Century Jesus

"How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth!" Psalm 119:103

I am new to this blogging world. I have been a quiet observer for about four months, and I love the encouraging messages that different bloggers share. It seems that often times my heart hears just what it needs to. The power of seeing Jesus move through the text on a computer screen gives me chills at times. Occasionally I wonder what Jesus' ministry would have looked like in a modern setting. Had he walked the Earth today would he send mass text messages and be followed on YouTube? Perhaps, He would have a Blog sharing parables where people could connect to His message. I cannot help but smile when I think about a 21st century tech savvy Jesus. Do I believe He could have done it? Definitely. But I do think that there is something beautiful about the ministry He had when He walked the Earth. He had something I think we miss out on at times in the age of technology.

Jesus' ministry was filled with relationship. People followed Him. Not on Twitter, or Facebook. They walked along side Him. Engaged in conversation that was life changing. He spent time in different people's homes. He traveled and shared in life changing conversations with people that He loved. Jesus healed, inspired faith, mentored, rebuked the enemy and challenged the Pharisee's in a very personal way. Through conversation. Am I arguing that the blog world is an impersonal place? In some ways it is. But I will say that the 21st century is at times devoid of relationship because of the constant connection we each have to those we are already engaged in friendship with. We have become comfortable not reaching out to new people we meet. I joke that I have more of a relationship with my cell phone and lap top at times than with my friends and family.

A couple months ago, I was sitting in a sermon that talked about what would happen if we treated the Word of God like a cell phone. I laughed at first but the reality is my cell phone is a very important part of my life. It connects me to the world. Through it I communicate with friends and family. It is in some ways essential and ironically I feel like something is missing without it by my side. In the sermon we were challenged to think about how we treated the technology in our life and apply that to how we treat our Bible. Whoa! Here are some ways I treat my cell phone:
-If I leave it at home I will turn around and get it.
-I check it multiple times a day.
-I sleep with it next to my bed.
-It is the last thing I look at when I go to sleep and the first thing I look at in the morning.
-I use it to prioritize and organize my life.
-I use it to connect with people.
-At times it draws me away from the world around me.

These are just a few of the ways that a cell phone plays into my life. Okay, so now apply that list to my Bible. (This was a convicting sermon). Do I turn around and go back to my house to get my bible because I cannot be without it for even 10 minutes? Do I check my bible multiple times a day? Do I sleep with it next to my bed? Is it the last thing I look at in the evening and the first thing I look at in the morning? Do I use my Bible to prioritize and organize my life? Do I seek the Word to connect with people? Do I let my Bible draw me away from the world around me?

I wish I could say that my Bible was as much of a priority as my cell phone is most days. I can't help but ask myself what my relationship with God would be like if I treated my Bible like my cell phone. I know that this sermon convicted me with some of the 21st century priorities that did not plague people even 15 years ago. However, I still feel that in some ways the age of technology has some benefits. I love reading people's blogs and connecting with people half way across the country. I like the reality that a friend can always get a hold of me if they need me. But I do not want technology to become something that overshadows my relationship with my King.

Since I heard that sermon the way I view my Bible has changed. I now look at it as the main way to connect with Jesus. My idea of the Bible has really been stretched. Honestly, I cannot go anywhere without it. When I do not have it I miss it. I believe if I did forget it I would turn around in my car to get it. While I still am working on looking to it to enhance my relationships and every day decisions, I am glad that God has grown my heart.

So the question is, how do you view your Bible? Is it a necessity in your life? Is it something that you cannot stand to leave behind? Is it as important as your cell phone, Blackberry, or computer? How does the way you view your bible effect your relationship with the Prince of Peace?

Jesus-
I pray that I can continue to connect with you. I desire to pursue you more then I do some of the blogs, websites and technological devices in my life. I want to treat you like I often treat my cell phone. I desire to value your word and relationship more then anything else. May you become my main priority and passion. In Jesus name I pray- Amen