Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What Weighs Me Down

"...let us strip of every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race the God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1

This verse hit me upside the head the other afternoon as the bell chimed on my phone. This email flitted into my inbox with a God sized intension. "What weights are pulling you down, Erin?" the still small voice whispered into the chambers of my heart. Ouch. Moments like that are when my eyes get wide and I look to the heavens with an expression of "really God?" WHY??? Couldn't we leave that box alone for now? NOPE is the resounding answer. Oh sweet Jesus, I love that you poke and prod at the issues of my heart. Really, really I do. It truly is love even though sometimes I am convinced a bikini wax would be less painful (This princess has NO intension of testing that one out by the way.) Anyways...

Shortly after this email so lovingly fell into my lap, the reminders of things that have been laid on my heart came to the surface. I realized I have loaded myself with ankle weights, arm weights and have been busy trying to push a semi across the road. (If you don't know me I am a fire ball but I have NO muscle.) Needless to say this poor girl is really weighed down. Weighed down by what? Quite honestly the if ands and buts of life. The "God, if ______ happened what would I do about______?" Or the "Oh and God I need ______". Or the classic one "But God I am not ready to try/do _______."

Why is it that I am so intent about figuring out the future and have so much trouble keeping today in perspective? Why does this girl think that jogging pushing a semi is going to help the plans that God has set before me? How much am I missing out on today if I am concerned about what is going to happen next week, next month or next year? (I'd like to blame it on the OCD first born child issues, but in reality I think there is something more). Sometimes I think this girl needs to throw her Vera Bradley planner (which I love by the way) out the window and take it day by day. If I were to lean into my Prince would He not guide me in the waltz we call life? Would it not be the most beautiful dance every choreographed?

Here is my theory, or maybe open confession. You can label it what you want, but I think the "OCD first born loves to plan" chick in me is really code for CONTROL FREAK. Maybe I shouldn't admit that out loud. That might be me setting myself up for a life time of singleness because let's face it ladies no man wants a control freak girlfriend. But let's be real for a split second. What girl likes to be out of control? Not me. I don't like when the winds are a blowin' around me and my hair is getting messed up, my skirt is in my face and I can't see a foot in front of me. I don't like when I can't predict someone's response to me, what their thoughts are or where I am going in the future. I enjoy people's approval. I love filling my day timer with to-do's and appointments and I love even more when I think I understand what God is up to. (Ha can I get a say what?) Like I know what He is doing?

So now that you know that this Princess is really a giant control freak that would like everything to go seamlessly and always know what is going on, let me tell you that my life doesn't work like that at all. Most days I don't get to follow a schedule. Most days God throws a curve ball at me and let me be honest, He really has been doing that lately (see relationship vortex post). I would like to dig my heals in and set up camp in a safe little environment where I know what is what and who lives where. Reality is God says no way. "Through off the weight of control freak my darling and run into the unknown, a race that I have made just for you." I love that He has a race for each of us to run that was charted out just for us.

Today I am starting with letting my calendar be. I will not be obsessed with what I think should have happened but rather be open to what His plans are. I am going to rest in His presence and accept the reality that I don't know what He is up to in any area of my life. Today I rest in that I am valuable simply because I am His. He chose me. He loves me and I am whole. When life spirals I white knuckle those truths and step one foot in front of the other in the race He has called me, just me, to run.

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