Thursday, June 10, 2010

Pride-It Knocked Me off my High Horse

Let me tell you about something that give you a peak at my oh so selfish nature. You see this Princess nearly gets her tiara knocked right off her head because of PRIDE. Oh yes, pride. That nasty five letter word is something I just realized I have been working on for months. Hmm.. what a revelation (writing generally pulls my thoughts all together). Anyways, I have been in this deep season of spiritual growth that honestly takes it right out of me. But about a month ago when things began to improve and life was a little less dreary, I began to think "Look at me, I am making it through this." A fine thing to think, I feel, assuming it doesn't go to your head. Well this Princess began shining her tiara a little too soon and her hair got a little too big because WHAM, I got knocked straight off my high horse. Let me tell you.
God had plans. Plans I was not even expecting. Upon a divine appointment I was prayed for by this couple at a service at my church. It was a Wednesday night service for those who had a hunger to go deeper in this series we had. Harmless right? I wanted to increase my faith and when I asked God who I should have pray over me He did not hesitate to reveal that to me. So, with anticipation in my heart I stepped straight into this divine appointment not knowing it would involve a nice fall off of my horse. Unbeknownst to me I had gotten very comfortable on this stallion of mine. I felt like I was running through an open meadow controlling towards the sunset in freedom. Oh no, God had different plans. This man who prayed over me happened to be a pastoral counselor and the words that him and his lovely wife spoke over me moved my heart. The hunger for more of sweet Jesus began. Upon being invited for yet more counseling by this kind pastor I made an appointment. Innocent, and still on my horse I arrive. I was excited to share with him how far I had come in this battle that I had been waging. Emphasis on the "I". Forgetting to acknowledge that I was literally carried out of the woods by My Prince Jesus. So I expose to Pastor where I have been and how I felt like I was making huge improvements. I was feeling like I was arriving in this new place that came with a whole lot more stability (to a point). Pastor hands me this piece of paper with his eyes shining and says "I want you to work through these scriptures. Determine if you believe the truth, or if you have replaced it with a lie." This list long list with tiny font is a list of "Who I am in Christ". No big deal, right? A growing gal like me should fly through this list. Being my eager, type A, determined personality I rush home and sit in my prayer closet and think "Jesus, I know I have made so much growth. I can't wait to get into this. I am sure that I believe most of these things on this list."
BAM!!! There it was. The moment I should have stopped teasing my hair. I let go of the reigns and the horse bucked me off. As I sailed through the air, my tiara got tangled up in my huge hair sprayed hair as I hit the ground with a nice thud. The first five verses I dug into I did not truly believe. It was here I was able to see my pride. My veil of pride was removed and humility sunk in.
I realized that I am not the reason I am growing. I am not the reason I am where I am today. He is. And yes, I am growing into the woman of God I want to be, but none of it has been done alone by my power. In that moment I again bowed down before my Prince and let Him place my crown back on my head. I am not His Princess on my own accord, ability or performance. No, he chose me. He walks with me. He leads me and sometimes carries me. And thankfully He continues to teach me.
Humility is a powerful thing. Pride leads to selfish state. When I try to walk into the wilderness alone it never goes well. Pride is the beginning of that. So with a small window into the beginning of the journey I will share here through a computer screen. The growth started with a fall that lead to my Prince reaching down and lifting me up. Are you willing to take his hand?

Jesus- I pray for the people that stumble onto this page. May to you be the glory. My journey has been carefully crafted, redirected and redeemed by You. May others see the dangers of pride and experience the power of growth in humility.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Out of the Forest

"Come to me, all you who are wary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:26-30
So I have really neglected my blog lately. Why? Jesus and I have been doing some serious work. You see He called me into this season of resting and healing, which can I say for a type A busy body Princess like me it has been more then difficult. Back in March I was really struggling on account I was trying to perform for people in this world. I became so consumed with pleasing people that I failed to notice I was hiking through thistles, bushes and headed straight towards a cliff. YIKES! I really missed out on the path my Prince had so kindly cleared for me. Instead this Princess forged a trail of her own tearing her dress and losing her shoes on the way. Did I mention I was toting like six suitcases of stuff for my self proclaimed adventure? This Princess probably had her tiara on backwards for several months like a baseball cap taking my royalty in His Kingdom not so seriously. You see I stuck my royal nose in the air and decided I did not need my Father to help me out. I felt that my path was going to work just fine. Needless to say I got a glimpse at myself. My tiara was beyond tilted. My dress run ragged and my adorable shoes, gone. I was a mess. Luckily for me my Prince was not far off. He does that you know? Watches me even when I think I know what I am doing. Instead of kicking and screaming and throwing a royal fit when He gently informed me that He knew a better way. Overwhelmed with relief that I did not have to climb down the cliff face I had just approached I dropped my luggage and let Him hold me. Now I was a blubbering, mascara all off, having a terrible hair day Princess. But the good news was that I was safely resting in His arms.
Emotionally and spiritually this is what I had been doing. I won't rehash what the last seven or so months have been like for me. Maybe one day if my Prince wants me to write it down I will, but I will save you the heartache for now. Perhaps you have been there. Your Prince has cleared a trail for you and yet you decide that you want to go another way. In the process you experienced bruising, cuts, scrapes and a tattered wardrobe. Denying that you are royalty and that there has to be a better way. The great thing, Jesus was right there waiting for me to return. He wooed me back to Him. I must say it was a relief for me that I did not have to go back through that forest to find Him. He led me back to the path of the righteous and even carried my luggage for me. (He is such a gentleman). Anyways, I can say I am safely being led by my Prince who has a map and not by my stubborn map less self.
But I can't skip the important part of this beautiful story. Yes, my Prince rescued me. Yes, I am back into my beautiful gown, shoes and fabulous royal accessories ;). But that took some time for my Prince and I. That time is what I am going to tell you about.
When I finally handed over my heavy burden and let my Prince carry me home I was a wounded girl. Out in the wild wilderness I had built up some defense mechanisms (something like swinging a tree branch, very effective), gotten some bruises and deep cuts. These wounds were the wounds of my experiences, emotions, and worse the lies of the enemy. Out in the wilderness I listened to the wrong voice. I began hearing, "look at you, He will never take you back." Or "do you know what you have done? You will always be like that." The enemy whispered to my soul and honestly I listened to him. I was becoming worn, tattered and broken. The worst lie he fed me was "look at you in that ragged, torn up dress. You will have to change to be desired by Him." I began to build my perception of who I was off of a web of lies. Shame filled my heart. I believed my tiara had been given to me by mistake.
Oh how wrong I was. When my Prince scooped me up and held me He took away my burdens and he led me to a place of rest. Since then the truth slowly began to penetrate my heart. By still waters I was able to begin to see myself for who I was. He opened my eyes to my beauty. Jesus washed and bandaged each of my wounds. My rags were exchanged for beautiful royal gowns. Robbed from me in the forest by the enemy my trust had been stolen. But the gentleness of Jesus' words He won me over.
How did this happen? I began to pursue who I am in Christ. I received a complied list of verses of who I am in Him and began working through the list a verse at a time. I would sit and meditate on each verse and try to decide if I believe the verse as truth about myself or if I had replaced it with a lie. This painful process revealed many of the lies that I had been repeating to my soul. I realized that I did not sit in a place of truth, but instead I
dwelled in the lies that I had chosen to believe. One by one with the help of my Prince the lies were extracted. Each was replaced with a seed of truth. Honestly I am still in the process of doing this. It is timely, but so worth it. I am beginning to see the Princess that I am. Do you know who you are in Christ? The next couple weeks I am going to try to blog the process I have been walking through in hopes that maybe someone will benefit from the discoveries my Prince has given me. It has been a beautiful at at times painful journey. Join me and we can clean out those messy hearts of ours.
I know now that Jesus wants so much more for each of his Princesses. He desires freedom in truth. So turn to Him. His arms are open for you. He will accept you no matter where you are and let him carry all those suitcases filled with shoes, dresses and things that weigh you down.

I want to be set free. Let me run back into your open arms. I know you are waiting to carry my heavy burdens and lead me to a place of rest and restoration. Only with you will I discover the Princess that I truly am. I love you and am sorry that I have tried to make my own path. Please forgive me. Thank you for cleaning and dressing my wounds and bringing me to a place where I can begin to see myself as you do.